One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
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Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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