What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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