of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
