If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
