The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
