Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
