...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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