Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
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When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
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My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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