I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
