I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
