She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
