: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
where are my eyebrows?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
