I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
