I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
