Say something about gay babies.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Holy shit dude........stairs
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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