So gin and wine won't be happening again
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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