wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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