I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
