i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
