i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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