She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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