Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
