I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I have feelings that need drinking.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
