Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
