I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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