Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
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