with your own penis?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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