She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
