my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
did i just pee glitter
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
