Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
