i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
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we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
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Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize