Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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