remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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