Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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