Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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