i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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