I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Drunk is a universal language darling
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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