Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
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This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
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I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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