he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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