I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
