Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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