So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
