textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
