i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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