where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
