Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
You ruined the universe
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize