You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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