WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
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