i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
