I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
