I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
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