i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think I won the penis lottery.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
